But mom

"Some thoughts in my mind just seem more important than sitting through class." -K.S.

(A. Guthrie 2016)

I am Israel

I was Israel

A people trapped in a cell

Held for ransom

Prepared to abandon

We were a slave

Freedom he never gave

The Nile is gone

Through plagues He shone

Much pain in love

But He sent a dove

The waters have opened

You are not broken

Rejoice, oh Israel

For you never fell

Rejoice, rejoice

I am Israel

Beyond Our Galaxy

I want to be lost in wonder
With no fears of blunder.
But every fucking night
The war will pillage and plunder.

I'm slowly losing my wonder
Why has it lost its thunder?
Is it hate or merely fate
That my life is now asunder?

What if I lose my wonder
Will they cry out "shun her"?
Is this how it's going to end?
My body, six feet under.

"A heart's a heavy burden"

The sun came around and kissed my cheek
Have I found what I seek?

Snow-capped mountains
A tear shed turned to fountains
I can't sleep
Without your breathing on repeat
Such comfort when you're here
Not the restless nights filled with fear.

There is so much more
Let's compare to before
You've kept me sound
So I can stand my ground

But please don't be my Nile
Please don't be defiled
Let it be
Let's be free
Let us face this war together
Bind our hearts like a fetter
Walk towards Thee
Me and you three.

Endless Goodbye

They come and they go

No knowledge of the night

No knowledge of the morn

And we will never know.

Your life for their soul

Trying to save them

Trying to give them

A chance to gain control.

A home for their head

Maybe once more

Maybe never again

No tears can ever be shed.

How you love them so

For a little time only

Only for a little time

Now close your eyes, end the show.

A week is just enough to learn to love.  A year makes it that much harder.  "If I had never loved, I never would have cried."  I'm losing a big part of my heart.  One by one they slip out the door.  Into the unknown, of which I cannot trust.  Is it good enough?  Is it worthy? I will never know.  Just hope.  Just pray.  Be with them please, my Warrior, my Luclas.  I love you.

There is No More

Rocks and rivers
Belts and blood
Tools of the trade
For my silent escapades.
Almost complete
Almost obsolete
But she should not see
The bonds, tying me.
Selfishness to act
Selflessness to save
Due to an unwritten pact
No one's in the grave.

Tents and Torments

I don't know why I'm here
Bucketing ash
With the smoke
Drawing near

Our throats are burning
Yet they don't relent
Leaving us spent
But remember this:

We aren't the life savers
But merely
An interruption in the days
Of the misbehavers

Third Down

So this is it
Cue change
Cue the hit

Ran away from goodbye
What to do
To not cry

It's so vast
Between you and I
Don't change the cast

Lights out
It can't be helped
But I can't doubt

The Lemon Queen

full of words I think are lies,

misunderstandings lead to compromise.

but a song sung loud,

my hand held proud,

you've lifted my shroud.

a presence you've portrayed,

forcing darkness to fade,

there's now a path paved,

soon, all of me: slayed.

though not done alone,

it has been overthrown,

and to a lack of footing I am prone,

but your faith in me atones

through all you've shown.

I may not be your "time as this"

but please know:

to you I owe my bliss.

(Photo: Remember to Remember - Abigail Guthrie 2014)

Cuss That Shit

Three years down

Yet the heart still pounds

Why

Does it still scathe?

Self affliction

Ripping, beating

Not fleeting

It was thought to be joy

Intoxicating elation

But the absence

Is obscuring the station

One moment

Time

Will tear you to shreds

Please

Stay level, my head

Letting go

No more theatrical

Following blind

There's no better reason

My will no longer bind

Keep me off the ground

I beg of you

Don't let me drown.

We All Know

You are completely and utterly
Unremarkable.
A life simply given,
Sacrificed for,
And yet all you did was fail today,
Waste the day.
Hours ruined
Blamed
Cried
Despised
Quieted.
All you did was fail.
And other are still unaware.

Here's to Then

-Not Once-

I did not once cry
'I am weary
Oh Lord'
But many times.

I did not once run
Away from fear
Of God
But I never stopped.

I did not once wave
My sorrows
On by
But kept them:
                        Safe and sound for -
                                                         My heart to dwell
                                                         My heart to pound
                                                         My love to swell.

It's been years since I've picked up a pen. How thoughts change.  How events pass.  How much destruction you can bring to yourself.  I can't hate them anymore.  I can't confide in her.  I can't stop praying (though I do).  I can't be left alone.  I can't be alone.  Fears have crept in, bad decisions have left their scars.  Yet time keeps moving.

These years have been the best but have seen me at my worst, my lowest of lows, watching my sink to the bottom.  Though proud are the days where the sun sets on a smile: the walk down the aisle, the pool in the desert, the melted snow, the backseat of a car, the highest heights - the days when peace overcame my feeble mind.

How I've loved these years, these days, these hours.  All to learn, all to cherish.

This music is repetitive.

Why can't I be Moses?
Overcoming to conquer
Leading without speech
A hero.

Why can't I be Simon? Or Andrew?
A net easily dropped
Sheep of the Shepherd
No fear.

Why can't I be Joseph?
A grape, a loaf, a cup
Rising above the cloak
A king.

Why can't I be Esther?
The weight of the nation
But two questions asked
To save.

Why can't I be Ruth?
A gift of barley
A most selfless heart
A friend.

Why can't I be Joshua?
Going against, two to ten
To never forget
Just know.

Why can't I be Abigail?
Intelligent, beautiful, free
Gave up to give hope

But that's not me.